(CBS) Tweens and teens in dating relationships are experiencing significant levels of various forms of abuse, many don't know the warning signs of an abusive relationship, and many parents don't know what's going on in those relationships, a new survey says.
Among the findings:
*69 percent of all teens who had sex by age 14 said they have gone through one or more types of abuse in a relationship.
*40 percent of the youngest tweens, those between the ages of 11 and 12, report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships, and nearly one-in-ten (9 percent) say their friends have had sex.
*Nearly three-in-four tweens (72 percent) say boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually begin at age 14 or younger.
*More than one-in-three 11-12 year olds (37percent) say they have been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
*One-in-five between the ages of 13 and 14 say their friends are victims of dating violence, such as getting struck, hit or slapped by a boyfriend or girlfriend, and nearly half of all tweens in relationships say they know friends who are verbally abused.
*One-in-five 13-14 year olds in relationships (20 percent) say they know friends and peers who've been struck in anger (kicked, hit, slapped, or punched) by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Click here to read the rest of the CBSNews.com article.
While the findings in the the survey commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. are shocking, I wouldn't be surprised to find a direct correlation to tweens' and teens' early access to technology. As the age of cell phone ownership gets younger and younger and tweens and young teens are given Iming privileges and unmonitored access to the family computers, it further removes mom and dad as the great and mighty gatekeepers. In other words, there is no chaperone at the party, not to mention, most parents are unaware that a party is even going on.
Many tweens and teens have unlimited text/pictures/videos on their phones as well as pages on Facebook and MySpace and are thus, exposed to too much, too soon. Even if your child doesn't have access to these forums of technology, chances are, they can obtain access through a friend that does. In providing our young people with numerous means to type things they would never say to someone's face, we create the perfect storm for experimental dating relationships.
Prior to these forums of technology, tweens and young teens experienced a healthy season of awkwardness when communicating face-to-face with the opposite sex. In late grammar and middle school, "going out" used to signal a period of time where the designated couple rarely spoke to one another (aka: the awkwardness factor). Now that awkwardness factor has been removed and the standard tween/early teen boy/girl relationships have been elevated to a more serious level. As tweens and early teens attempt to have dating relationships once reserved for mid to older aged teens, they lack the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout that will come.
So, what's a concerned parent to do? Here are some tips on how to be proactive vs. reactive when raising tweens/early teens (8-14):
1. Be engaged! Times have changed, folks, and too much is on the line to stand on the sidelines and watch it all play out. It takes time to keep up with what our kids are doing, especially when it comes to their media and technology gadgets. If you don't have time to monitor their media influences, don't give them access until you have the time!
2. Start slow. Remember my analogy of taking a training wheels approach with media gadgets. Just as you would never take a toddler off a trike and put them on a 10 speed bike and give them a farewell push into the worst part of town, you should likewise not arm your child with technology gadgets loaded with every bell and whistle. Be discerning and hold off as long as possible when allowing your child to have media privileges. But remember, there is a balance and if you're too strict, it could backfire in the way of teenage rebellion.
3. Know your children's friends. Make your home the hangout, so you can keep a gauge of what is going on. Don't be afraid to ban your child from associating with friends who are on a proven fast track and have disengaged parents. You can love these kids from afar or have them over to your home.
4. Be clear on the rules and firm on the consequences when rules are broken. Remember, you are the parent and you have every right to confiscate a phone, ban computer use, or disallow experimental dating (aka: "going out") relationships if you feel your child is not a) mature enough to handle the milestone or b) would not behave in a responsible manner if granted the privilege. The burden of responsibility should be on our children's shoulders to prove themselves trustworthy. Engaging in various forums of technology (as well as owning the gadgets that would enable them to do so) is a privilege, not a right.
5. Install monitoring software on your home computer(s). Today. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go, go, go.
Click here to do it now. And don't let anyone badger you about it and tell you it's an invasion of your child's privacy. Hogwash. This is a different world and too much is at stake NOT to be spot checking our children's online activities. If they prove themselves trustworthy by age 16, cut them loose and uninstall the software.
6. Consider banning text messaging until high school. Consider banning pictures and video until late high school (we have done this with our 15 year-old son). Limit your child's minutes and consider taking up the phone at night. Spot check their activity. If you feel that your child is not using text messaging in a responsible manner, remove it from your plan or install a tracking software. (
Click here for more information).
7. Come up with a policy for "dating" or "going out." Even more importantly, clearly convey the policy to your children. I have written extensively on this subject and I am staunchly opposed to the world's brand of dating. For the sake of brevity, it would be impossible to cover this topic and do it justice in a single blog post. But, this much I will say: My two older kids (now 20 and 18) were allowed to "go out" in middle school and it was fairly harmless. In fact, it signaled an official period of time where they hardly spoke two words to one another. Today, more tweens have early access to technology and will type things they wouldn't feel comfortable saying to someone's face and it has dramatically changed the "going out" landscape for tweens. In other words, if my children were tweens in today's technology-driven world, I would have strict limits on their access to technology and be more attentive to their experimental episodes regarding young love.
What about you? Do you have some advice that might help our readers?
