Warrior or wimp—How not to raise a mama’s boy

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this wonderful article (click here to read it) on Reuters.com. It is entitled, "Parents start urging kids to live on the wild side." Needless to say, I found myself shouting "Amen!" more than once while reading it. It reminded me of a chapter in my book for mothers of sons, "Your Boy: Raising a Godly Son in an Ungodly World." The chapter addresses the challenge moms face (myself included) in finding the tricky balance of protecting our sons without stifling their manhood. In the chapter, I reflect on my boys' desire one summer to camp out in a tent pitched in our backyard. For weeks. With no fence behind our house and a wide open greenbelt of woods. Woods, mind you, with lions, and tigers, and bears (oh my). Okay, maybe not lions, tigers, and bears, but seriously, try plenty of coyotes, raccoons, possums, and a rumored MOUNTAIN LION. Did I mention that they were only about 13 and 8 years old at the time? I still recall my husband saying, "Honey, what harm could befall them should they wish to spend the majority of their summer nights in a tent pitched in the backyard?" To which I graciously replied, "Hellooooooo, earth to hubby: What part of the word "MOUNTAIN LION" do you NOT understand?"

After much persuasion on my husband's part, I relented. (Translation: The boys had already moved half their room into the tent and refused to come back in). On the first night, a hungry raccoon sniffed out their stash of junk food and entered the tent uninvited. At that point, I made a plea to my husband on behalf of “God only knows what else is living out in the woods and waiting to get them,” and he gently reminded me that such adventures are what separate the men from the boys. "Yeah right," I thought. "You take them in for the required series of rabies shots should the raccoons overtake them in their quest for a midnight snack." Today, when I think back on the whole episode, I am thankful that I didn't get my way. My boys are now 20 and 15 years old and camping out in a backyard for weeks doesn't even make the radar on their list of adventurous boyhood antics. Thanks to Dad and a whole lot of prayer on my part, my boys definitely fall into the "warrior" category. If you have a son, enjoy the following tips to raising a warrior from my Your Boy book:

1. Warriors are not couch potatoes.

Nothing prepared me for my boys’ pleas for paintball guns some years ago. They wanted to join the gang of neighbor boys who were staging paintball wars in the wooded area behind our house. One of my neighbors even asked me if I was running an anti-terrorist training camp in my backyard after spotting a group of boys dressed in camo w/ their paintball guns slung over their shoulders heading between our houses on their way back to the woods (aka: the battlefield). The boys spent hours in the woods and occasionally emerged for a necessary drink of water, compliments of the spigot on the side of the house. Like feeding wild animals, I would throw out a bag or two of chips, and they were good to go for another couple of hours.

Once their warrior friends had gone home at the end of the day, Ryan and Hayden would compare their war wounds (bruises), beaming with pride over each and every one. It was moments like this that made me realize that my constant reminders to “be careful” were meant to protect my boys from the bumps and bruises of life, but in reality, the bumps and bruises of life were badges on their road to manhood. Going overboard to protect them from getting hurt would, in the end, hurt them more.

2. Warriors are not coddled.

If there was ever a lesson I have had to learn the hard way, it is that boys resist coddling moms. When Ryan played his first year of tackle football in 7th grade, I thought I would never get used to the popping and grinding sound that helmets and pads make when they collide with other helmets and pads. And then one day, my worst fear was imagined. Some big Goliath who looked like he needed to shave his 5 o'clock shadow during halftime, knocked my boy to the ground. I was proud of myself for following the obligatory 30-second rule before leaping out of the stands and runnin to my boy’s side. (Oh, yes I did.) I arrived just in time to hear Ryan say, “Mom! What are you doing?! Never ever leave the bleachers—even if I’m dying! GO AWAY, NOW!!” As I returned to my seat in the bleachers, I heard another mother whisper to someone, “It’s okay, it’s her first child—she didn’t know better.”

As painful as the lesson was, it caused me to have a flashback to a boy in my 6th grade class. His mother would bring his jacket up to school if the temperature dropped during the day. I can still picture her waving the jacket in the air and yelling, “Steven! Steven, honey! Mommy brought your jacket!” while we ran laps around the backstop at P.E. By the time we graduated high school six years later, Steven was the same boy he had been in 6th grade: timid, shy, and anything but a warrior. But bless his heart, he was warm.

3. Warriors are not timid.

When Ryan was in kindergarten at a private Christian school, the headmaster took the time to train the boys on the mechanics of a proper greeting. If he approached Ryan, he would extend his hand and say, “Well, hello, Mr. Courtney. How are you today?” If Ryan looked down at the ground (like the average five year old has a tendency to do), the headmaster would patiently and gently tell Ryan to extend his hand, look him directly in the eye, shake his hand firmly, and with confidence say, “Fine, thank you.” When Ryan would do so, he would say, “Atta boy, Ryan! Good, firm handshake.” My husband and I encouraged that training through the years and today, it has paid off. Both of my sons (and my daughter) are extremely confident when talking to adults.

Just to prove that I have lightened up over the years in my tendency to be over-protective, I thought you might enjoy the following clip of Hayden and a couple of his friends at our lake house this past spring break. We were replacing the flooring in a bedroom and this is the end result of what happens when a troop of teen boys finds a rolling trundle bed temporarily parked outside. Of course, this is also evidence that a) this is my last child and b) I'm just plain too tired to fight these testosterone flair-ups any longer. In other words, I officially give up. Oh, and I have no idea why they were wearing shirt-turbans on their heads. Warrior gear, perhaps? And just in case my mother and/or mother-in-law is reading this, for the record, this was their last trip down the driveway... I promise.



To prove how far I've come over the years, here is a picture of Hayden (red shorts above), about 12 years prior:


Clearly, I was in desperate need of an intervention...

What about you? What sort of "warrior stories" do you have under your belt?

What if every Christian watched this music video?

I had to watch this twice to get the full impact of the message. I didn't realize until the second viewing (little slow, here), that it was depicting a possible scenario of a chain of events that could result from a single sinful choice and the impact on an entire family.

Art can be so powerful and this piece eloquently packs a thousand sermons into a short five minutes. I'm headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water to quell the lump in my throat. Wow! What a powerful piece!

If you feel so led, please share which line (or lines) in the song you found to be especially powerful. Let's just have ourselves a little group Bible study, shall we? For me, it was this line: "Be careful little feet where you go, because it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow." Okay, and one more: "People never crumble in a day." Tis true, tis true. I'm bettin' we all have a story related to that line...

Living Proof weekend recap!

Me with "the mama's" (aka: Sophie and Melanie). Love these gals! And that Gulley (not pictured) is a cutie, too!


Fellow LifeWay authors, (Margaret Kennedy, Simone Monroe, and Pat Layton). Love 'em! (Note to self: New Banana Republic top looks like maternity blouse! Mercy!)


I showed up to my reserved seat to see that my mentor, Ada, was two seats down from me! (She is worthy of an entire blog post to come...)


Lisa McKay (aka "the preacher's wife"). Love this gal!


Winding down at the Siesta Fiesta w/ one of my best buds. She attended w/ a couple of our church ladies. Barbara is also a mentor to my daughter, Paige. My friend, Pat, was on the right, but she made me cut her out because her eyes were closed... Vanity, I tell ya.


This may be hard to believe, but I was counting up the years and prior to this past weekend, I have not been to a women's event (unless my memory is failing me, here) for NINE YEARS! What in the world? I am fairly certain that is a sin. I have mentioned before that sometimes those of us who do the speaking look out at the precious groups of women who come to our events and wish for a moment that we could hang with you and your pals (or as Beth might say, "peeps") for the weekend. Not that we're not grateful for our assignment, but sometimes, in a weird sort of way, it can be very lonely. Not to mention, it's a tad easier on the heart to sit in the stadium seats or church pew than take that first step up onto the platform.

The event was fabulous and Beth brought the exact Word that God assigned her to deliver. Seeing the sea of women come forward was proof that many gladly received the Word. Praise God for His mighty work. Travis and crew where amazing and ushered us all before the throne. I like that imagery of a worship leader being like an usher showing you to your seat at an event (or in this case, throne!). A sincere worship leader (those who worship in Spirit and Truth, John 4:23-24) does just that. There is nothing that can bring on the goosebumps more than a collective surrendering of hearts bowed down before His throne.

I loved meeting so many of my blog buddies, but I only wish there had been more time to get to know each one. And I am so mad at myself for not taking more pictures. Half the time, I was digging for my camera in the never-ending abyss of my tote bag and unsuccessfully, at that. Maybe I need to attach it to a lanyard around my neck next time...

But alas, all good things must come to an end. This morning, was the first day of school for my youngest (10th grade) who also happens to be my last and final child in the home. Last night, I asked him what time we needed to leave for school and he informed me that a friend was picking him up (a precious girl who is also a friend of my daughter's and that I gladly count among my own). I looked at Hayden and said, "Now look buddy, I only have three "first days of school" left where I can do the drop-off." His response? "Actually Mom, I'll be driving by next year, so you really don't have any." Ouch. Of course, the sweet thing gave me a hug and we laughed it off. Or at least I pretended to...

Suddenly, 840 miles doesn't seem quite so far...

You gotta love video iChat. At one point, we had a 3-way screen going and Ryan was on too. It was a regular family affair or at least, a virtual one. Of course, the kids requested to see Scout, so I went downstairs to get the critter for a brief cameo appearance. The highlight seemed to be when he yawned straight at the camera and both kids let out an "awwwwwwwwe" in unison. Lexie has a proven track record of growling at the screen, so we spared her the trauma this go 'round. We poked fun at Paige for wearing her hoodie and her dad asked her if she had gone Goth since leaving home. Hoodie or not, it was sure good to see her face and hear her voice...all at the same time. Ryan had to sign off early because he was in the middle of a very important virtual golf game. Aw, the joys of college...

Virtue en Vogue!

Last night was the annual "Virtue en Vogue" fashion show benefit for Virtuous Reality Ministries that helps support our site for teen girls, virtuousreality.com. Try saying that one five times really fast. The good news is that we had nearly 500 in attendance! The bad news is that 152 of them showed up at the door, so we ran out of dessert! We had estimated around 50 would register at the door, but there is no tried and true formula for guesstimating the number. I apologize if you attended and didn't get dessert. Thank you so much for your understanding. I missed out as well, so I know what it feels like to get your taste buds all revved up for one of those yummy cupcakes or tasty treats.

On the way to the event, I mentioned to my husband that it was weird not to have Paige with me. She has always been in our past fashion shows, but alas, college beckons. It's moments like these where it really sinks in that she no longer lives in the house. This past week, I have been caught off guard by various reminders of her absence whether it's not hearing her come through the door at the same time every day, not seeing her car in the driveway, or walking by her near empty room. Sigh. So, imagine my surprise when two of her friends surprised me and showed up at the fashion show last night. I nearly lost it when they said they came to be "my daughters!" Is that cool or what? A couple of her friends have even promised to come visit and go shopping or spend the night. I tell ya, I just love 'em all. Sweetest girls ever.









It has helped that I'm on a tight deadline right now for the Bible study I'm writing or I think I would have made a full-time job of wallowing in a sea of self-pity. I'm hoping to get far enough along this week in my writing to treat myself to the Siesta Fiesta this weekend down the road in San Antonio. Hopefully, Beth won't speak on anything having to do with dropping your kids off at college!

College D-Day Part Two

Whew, what a whirlwind week. I traveled back to Auburn to be with my daughter for Bid Day (last day of sorority recruitment) and was faced with the task of saying good-bye (again). This one was hard because I knew that once I hugged their necks, it would be TWO MONTHS before I could hug them again. I think I may have mentioned once or twice (or a dozen times) before that my daughter has never been away from home for more than a week. Anyway, you get the picture. Yesterday morning, the three of us had breakfast at the hotel, which we joked was not "the last supper," but rather, "the last breakfast." We then made our way to church and I was encouraged to see so many college students (some with parents, many without) in the service. After lunch with a dear Auburn family who invited us over, it was time to say our goodbyes.

I won't lie. It was tough. We made our way back to my daughter's dorm and I did just fine hugging my son goodbye. One down, one to go. My daughter wanted me to drop her off at her sorority house for a meeting on my way out of town, so it was good to break up the good-byes. I choked up a little bit when I was praying for her on the way over to the house, but pulled it together just in time. When we arrived, we got out of the car and hugged tight before she turned and made her way up the steps to the house. And for a split second, I remembered that same little girl with the long, blonde tresses bravely walking into her kindergarten class on the first day of school. She never looked back on that day, and true to form, she didn't look back on this day, either.

I quickly got back into the car, put it in drive and made my way out of the parking lot. I did just fine for a whole one minute, at which point, the theme song to the slide show tribute I made for her last month began playing on the radio. Oh, yes it did. If you missed it, grab a tissue and click here. Actually, hearing it made me smile, as God reminded me of why I chose the song for the tribute. It captured exactly what I was feeling over the whole bittersweet experience of a college drop-off. I love this line: "I'll have tears as you take off, but I'll cheer as you fly." I had a good cry during the song and then had two hours to recover on my way to the Birmingham airport.

Now, I'm back in my cozy writing chair with a book deadline to meet, a speaking engagement tomorrow night, and my youngest son asleep upstairs in his room. Life goes on; chapters end and new ones begin. And on this morning, this mother is extremely grateful for the chapters she has experienced with her children thus far. God is good.

Have you had "the talk" with your teen?

NOTE: The below post was originally posted last summer, but due to the fact that the death toll continues to rise as a result of this problem, I felt it was worth re-posting.

Also as a side note, I would very much appreciate your prayers as I put the finishing touches on the Bible study/DVD adaptation of 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter. I am beyond excited about the book and study, but it's been a challenge to juggle the book deadline around college drop-off. Isn't it ironic that the sub-title of the book is "From the cradle to college, tell your daughters the truth about life before they believe the culture's lies?" The timing has made the writing process somewhat emotional, but powerful all the same. Thanks in advance for your prayers!


Re-posted from July, 2007:

My heart was grieved over a story in the news concerning five beautiful girls who died in a fatal car accident on June 28, 2007. They were longtime friends and four of the five were cheerleaders at their high school in Rochester, New York. They had just graduated from high school and were heading to the driver's weekend home for a sleepover celebration. Another carload of girls followed close behind and witnessed the tragic accident. I am particularly haunted by a quote from the sheriff investigating the accident in the days that followed.

"Several minutes before the first 911 call about the crash, Goodman (the driver) talked briefly with a fellow graduate trailing her in another vehicle. Two minutes before the crash was reported, her phone was used to send a text greeting to a friend, Povero said."

News of the accident came just days before a new study conducted by AAA and Seventeen of more than 1,000 16 and 17-year-old drivers released its results. The study found that 61 percent of teens admit to risky driving habits. Of that 61 percent, 51 percent say they talk on their cell phones while driving and 46 percent text message while driving.

Folks, we are on the roads everyday with these teens. Perhaps these teens are our children. I'm sure most of us have been guilty of talking on our cell phones while driving and I for one, plan to be more diligent about using my Bluetooth. Teens are especially distracted due to their inexperience behind the wheel, yet they suffer from the "invincibility factor."

I cannot begin to imagine the pain the parents of the girls are going through as they cope with this loss. And I never want to. I took the opportunity to sit down with both my driving teens and show them the news story which included a picture of all five girls at the top. I showed them one of the girl's MySpace pages and the stream of comments students are posting as a sort of virtual memorial. It was particularly haunting to see her last login date as the day before the accident. There was a picture slide show on her page which contained multitudes of pictures of the girls cheering at the game, striking funny poses, and behaving like an average group of senior high girls armed with digital cameras. I showed my kids numerous Facebook groups that have been created to mourn the loss. One, in particular, was created by the brother of the driver.

"It's just not worth it," I told my daughter and son. And then I begged them to put their phone away while driving. I encouraged them to be brave enough to speak up when they are in the car with a driver who is texting or talking and insist they hang up the phone. They assured me they would.

Later that day, when they grabbed their keys and headed out the door with their cell phones tucked away in their pockets, I resisted the urge to echo a nagging reminder when they said goodbye. Instead, I prayed and asked God to do it for me. :)

College D-Day Part One

Well, I did it. I survived Part One of College D-Day. I say Part One because I am headed back to Auburn this coming weekend for Bid Day. When saying goodbye at Paige's dorm on Saturday evening, it certainly helped knowing that I was turning around and coming right back in a week. It also helps knowing that her big brother is just a mile or two down the road should she need him. :) He's come by every night to see her since she moved in, which just warms this mother's heart.

This morning as I type this, I am resting in the peace that my daughter (and son) are exactly where they need to be. As much as I will miss them, I wouldn't change a thing. It's time for them to take some practice flights from the nest and there's no better place to do that than college. Sometimes the flight will be bumpy and other times, they may stray off course, but God is in control. And this mom is hanging onto that promise for dear life. Enjoy the pics!

Packing the cars up on Wednesday night


Let the caravan begin...


There was not a square inch left in this car!


Pretty exciting...


We move Ryan in first and go out to dinner with his awesome roommates


A little down time back at his apartment


Unloading the car at the dorm the next day


We had to bunk the beds to make it all fit!


At one point we had 16 people in the room...


Wait, wasn't she just a toddler?


This dad is going to miss his girl

A picture is worth a thousand words...

...and in this case, just as many conflicting emotions. The above picture is of my daughter's bedroom in its current state as I write this post. As many of you know, we will begin the trek tomorrow to what I often refer to as "College D-Day" (drop-off day). Even though I have done this twice before with my oldest son, it's been a whole different set of emotions with my daughter.

Overall, I am holding up fairly well. However, I get weepy at the most inopportune times. I was grocery shopping a couple of days ago, and had a little breakdown on the pasta aisle. I went to reach for Paige's favorite bag of pasta and then realized that she wouldn't be around to eat it. I tried to pull off the silent sniffle-sob, but based on a few stares I got, it needs some improvement.

I'll try to keep you posted on the journey and upload some pictures of her dorm room after move-in!

Warning: This Virtue Alert will require a barf bag

The following is from the Family Research Council's "Washington Update":

WARNING: This item contains shocking and graphic content funded by your tax dollars.

Given the recent allegations against Planned Parenthood, one would think the organization would play it safe over the next few months and try to exercise some restraint. But the plan to stay under the media's radar is failing dismally in Oregon and Washington, where the local affiliate is making a full-scale assault on the morality of the states' young people.

On its new website, TakeCareDownThere.org, the group posts a series of videos so revolting that members of my staff were visibly shaken. In one clip, a girl tells her friends that she's staying home from a party to masturbate. When her pals look shocked, she says, "What? I like me. I like spending time with me. Tonight I think I'm going to go all the way with me." On another video, a "teacher" interrupts a boy performing oral sex on another boy and asks them where their condoms are. Others include videos called "Threesome" and "Let me do me," and a song about genitalia that reaches a level of vulgarity that would give even crude networks like MTV pause.

This site is nothing more than an online playground for the prurient. The screen promises "the ins and outs about the ins and outs," but the material is highly inappropriate for adults, let alone young children. Sadly, most parents are unaware that garbage like this is targeting their kids, and even fewer realize that they're paying for it! The website is a project of Planned Parenthood of Columbia Willamette, a Title X grantee. This is exactly why FRC has prodded President Bush to change the government's Title X regulations. Each year, Planned Parenthood pockets more than $300 million of your tax dollars. One way to de-fund the group responsible for obscene material like this is to end the meshing of Title X "family planning" funds with abortion mills. Call the White House switchboard today at 202-456-1414 and ask President Bush to separate these funds before more children are caught up in Planned Parenthood's pornographic web.

If you are a parent, I want to encourage you to take the time to click here to visit this lewd site and watch a few of the clips. They were all shockingly offensive, but the one entitled "I didn't spew" will likely motivate you to pick up your phone and call the White House switchboard today. Remember, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

When I called the White House, I simply told the operator, "I would like to make an appeal to President Bush to put an end to the meshing of Title X family planning funds." I was then put through to a comment line where I had to give my state and repeat my request. I timed the call and the whole process took one minute and 15 seconds.

If you make the call, will you comment below and let me know? Also, please consider forwarding this "Virtue Alert" to other concerned parents in your address book. If they haven't subscribed to my weekly "Virtue Alerts", they can do so by clicking here.

I would also recommend that you visit the Parents for Truth website. When you get there, be sure to watch the "Comprehensive Sex Ed Exposed" clip and then click on "What's happening in your state" to find out what your children will be taught if they are in the public schools.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)