Heart-ache prevention
A new study by the British Medical Journal has found that people who displayed behavioral problems as teenagers were likely to develop mental or personal problems in adulthood. While the results may not come as a surprise, brace yourself for this finding: The study also found that even adolescents with milder behavioral problems had poor outcomes in adulthood. (Click here to read the entire article from CNN.)
Here are some highlights from the article:
One statement in the article that really impacted me was this: "Certainly there is a relationship between how you behave in adolescence, and as it's left uncorrected and unchecked by your environment, you're going to continue to engage in those behaviors because those behaviors get reinforced." (Vaughn Rickert, professor at Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health)
The study looked at more than 3,500 people , beginning in the teen years and following them for 40 years. The data came from a national survey of health and development from the Medical Research Council, an organization in the United Kingdom.
Teachers assessed these individuals at age 13 and 15, comparing them with their peers with respect to a number of behaviors. Problematic behaviors included disobedience, lying, lack of punctuality, restlessness, truancy, daydreaming in class and poor response to discipline.
"This research suggests that adolescent conduct problems are indicative of more serious problems in creating and maintaining positive social relationships, and this has a long-term effect on the young adult's ability to maintain good mental health, stable employment, and a happy family life," said Ian Colman, assistant professor at the University of Alberta's School of Public Health and lead author of the study.
The authors were surprised that even adolescents with milder behavioral problems had poor outcomes in adulthood, Colman said.
More than 1,000 adolescents in this study who had moderate, but not severe, conduct problems were more likely to leave school early or be involved in teenage pregnancy, and later in life had increased likelihood of divorce, alcohol abuse, and overall life adversity, he said. These people would probably not get a diagnosis of conduct disorder according to modern criteria, he said.
The study also begs the question of what exactly would constitute "problematic behaviors" among today's youth. In this lackadaisical culture where teachers and school administrators are over-burdened with "problematic behaviors" and limited when it comes to discipline, I imagine the list of students-at-risk today would be even longer. Add to the mix the parents who often shrug off their child's antics with a trite, "Kids will be kids," and we have a recipe for a whole slew of teens who may well be on their way to living unhappily-ever-after.
As parents, we must take any warning signs we may see regarding problematic behaviors in our children very seriously. It's up to us to make sure these behaviors are not left "uncorrected and unchecked" and we must intervene and do everything in our power to nip it in the bud. Our child's future happiness may very well be at stake.
Just recently, a parent tipped me off to a scandal at her child's local high school that involved a group of teens (sophomores) drinking at a party. They brazenly posted pictures on Facebook of the whole crew playing Beer Pong and participating in a keg stand. A concerned parent who diligently checks her child's Facebook account (bravo!), noticed the pictures when they popped up in her child's "Newsfeed."
Fortunately, her child was not at the party, but she felt she had a duty to alert the parents of the guilty teens to some obvious "problematic behaviors" before they caused harm to themselves or others. She copied off the pictures and mailed them anonymously to the parents of the teens with no note or return address. You can only guess what happened next. The guilty teens, upon being notified of the pictures by their parents, reported the results on Facebook in the hopes that the person sending the pictures would see their comments. (This also begs the question as to WHY they were allowed to be on Facebook?!)
One girl, who I'm told was falling-down drunk in the pictures (a 15 year-old, mind you), claimed her mother told her that she wished she knew the name of the parent who sent the pictures so she could send her a thank you note because she needed some new pictures of her daughter and these were "so cute." Other guilty students reported that their parents made fun of the "nark" and basically shrugged off their teen's behavior with, yep, you guessed it, a trite "kids will be kids." Can you imagine what these kids' lives may look like 40 years from now?
For the life of me, I do not understand parents who refuse to parent. Oh, I know it's rooted in low self-esteem and a need to be their child's buddy, blah, blah, blah, but c'mon! Don't they realize that they will likely be the ones forced to pick up the pieces on down the road for their permissive parenting? Are they setting money aside for rehab or even worse, bail or a costly trial? Are they prepared to take their child in when they lose their job or their marriage fails as a result of problematic behaviors that were never addressed at their core?
It's exhausting to be a caring, engaged parent, but ironically, it's even more exhausting in the long-run to turn a blind eye to problematic behaviors and fail to take action. It boils down to this: You practice engaged parenting now or you become engaged in their messes later.
If you work with children or youth, or you are a parent that has dealt with this issue, I invite you to comment below and offer your wisdom based on firsthand observations of teens who display "problematic behaviors." What behaviors should be a warning flag for parents? What course of action do you recommend?
20 comments:
Sadly, I suspect most of these teens' problems started in their toddler years. When their parents thought they were so adorable they couldn't stand to make them cry by saying "no." And when they made sure the kid felt like the world revolved around them by showering them with constant attention, videotaping their every move, etc.
I've seen this in some relatives. If the kids don't learn the meaning of "no" and discipline when they are little, it won't have much effect later.
I'm doing what I hate...answering a question with a question. How do you know when behavior really is just due to normal growing up or if it's a problem? I'm not talking about drinking or acting out, I'm talking about things like being quiet, wanting to be alone more, that sort of thing.
Mary, I'm certainly not a professional, but I don't think those are behaviors to worry about. In fact, my two older children certainly went through what you are describing! I think the main question to ask is whether or not your child's behavior has already been flagged as problematic by teachers, etc., when compared to other children his/her age. And then I would ask if there's a pattern of this sort of behavior (numerous calls/emails from teachers, youth ministers, Coaches, etc...).
Great question! Sorry, I should have been a bit more clear!!
Thank you Vicki. Yes, we do deal with some school problems but nothing too serious. There is just such an awareness these days of things like depression that every time the poor kid wants to be alone in his room I start questioning whether or not it's normal growing up or a problem. Can you tell he's an only child?
As more of a comment to your post, I do see boys in our scout troop that have obviously not been told no too many times. We recently had a case of one boy getting caught shoplifting. I'm very fearful that this boy and some of the others will only be in more trouble down the road. If they aren't being taught right from wrong at home it's very hard for us to do it in a 2 hour meeting.
One thing I hear is when the word "happy" or "happiness" is used when referring to kids. I want them to be happy or that made them unhappy so we need to make sure that doesn't happen again. To me it's a sign that you are teaching kids that the world revolves around them.
I also agree with Linda that it can start very young in encouraging "cute" behavior in a toddler that would be outrageous in a teen but where do you draw the line and how do you help them learn to draw the line. I don't believe any of it happens in a day. It's like that great song that's out right now..."Slow fade" it doesn't crumble in a day. Parenting is not for the lazy or the weak at heart. I pray all the time for my kids to get caught so they get caught in the little things. It helps to talk to them about the feeling they have when they sin...how it's nerve racking the first time, but gets easier each time after...because it's a trap! Anyway...sorry to go on and on!! I think this is an awesome post and your blog is awesome...this is the first time I've commented...
I must agree with Mocha... I've watched parents (AT CHURCH) let their little toddler/child get away with bad behavior because it's so darn cute!
NO WAY, Sister! That only grows bigger. I have watched these little darlin's grow up and it ain't pretty!
Parents must stay on top of all behavior and offer consequences for sinful or wrong choices.
I teach at a public high school....the permissive parenting haven! It is a pass the buck society and let me tell you about trying to hold a child accountable in this world.
You will have parents beating their fists on your desk regarding their child's poor behavior! (They are always being picked on or innocent of the crime).
I have 3 teens....and they have been held to the fire of accountability. Not just for hubby and my own personal reasons....but we believe that God has entrusted them to us and expects it! We hurt so badly for the peers around them that have no guidance and are living like heck! It's frustrating.
That little Facebook issue? That is more typical than you think.
Kids are running WILD all around us. Parents are just laughing and turning away.
These folks end up taking care of illegitimate children....living on and off with adult divorced children....and more. You'd think that would be some sort of deterrant! SAD!
As a youth pastor, I have to say the hardest part is the "involved church parent" who shows up every week, child sitting right next to them, their kids even come to youth group. It's until they get in trouble that they are calling me on the phone, asking me to "fix them", or other parent's asking "what we're teaching" and we should have a night about Facebook, or a night about drinking.
I agree with Linda, as well, that it begins at the VERY beginning. I'm a part of an amazing church with some wonderful parents, and I see a number of teenagers that have AWESOME relationships with their parents, and it's because the parent's have not stopped parenting.
Right on with this post, and thank you for your thoughts. Mark Ostreicher (president of Youth Specialties) briefly posted about this article, but gave no writing about what he thought. I'm a huge fan about doing Youth Ministry WITH the parents. Making them very aware that THEY are the ones to introduce and foster a relationship with Jesus Christ, I'm just coming along side of them to encourage and do my thing. :)
I think the teen drinking thing really needs to be addressed more by law inforcement. I live in an area where many of the teens binge-drink regularly and the parents are fine with it! I thought this went on everywhere until I became an adult. Many of the parents even purchase the alcohol! It's treated like some kind of "right of passage". We have many drunk driving accidents and recently even had a teenage boy get so drunk at a lake party that he drove his car into the lake and put it in park when he hit the water. Everyone searched for him for weeks! Finally, a diver found him in the lake. I heard that his mom went to his high school some months later to give a speech, not on teen drinking, on designating a driver!! It's horrible and unfortunately it's so widely accepted that the parents in opposition, like myself, feel like we'll be branded as traitors to tradition if we make a big deal about it. Our local officials must be siding with this wrecklessness because you never ever hear of these parties being broken up or parents getting into trouble. It goes on every single weekend and they just look the other way. Brace yourself.... I've even seen pictures of my niece's homecoming party where she was kissing other girls, holding a beer etc. and it was held at a local Baptist ministers house!!!
Vicki,
This is something that truly grates on my nerves ~ parents who don't parent and don't want to disappoint their children. The most important thing (besides prayer) that we can do is to continually reinforce God's word and expectations for them (and us as parents!). My oldest is 12, so he is starting to see and hear more things; I try to keep the communication door open and let him know what is acceptable behaviorally. I'm appalled and saddened by the behaviors that parents allow in their children, especially disrespect, and the lack of discipline. We wouldn't have dreamed of saying the things some kids say to their teachers and administrators. Ever see the show "Principal's Office" of TRU TV? You'll be floored. I worry about what this generation will be like in 20 years. God help us all!
I read this post with great interest as a strict mother of 4 year old triplets...and as the chairman of the board of a group home for abused, neglected and abandoned adolescents. I am teaching a Bible Study for this group right now and am saddened (and frankly FLOORED) by their attitudes about life in general. It is so hard to know where the victimization ends and their own individual rebellion begins.
Something else to think about regarding Facebook: I recently heard that there are firms out there that take "pictures" of Facebook profiles, and that potential employers, trial lawyers, universities (think scholarships, not just admissions) and others routinely pay the firms for the information--which may be held for up to 10 years. The assumption is that a potential employer will use the profiles to help make decisions regarding hiring someone, even though the profile may be old, and the student may have turned over a new leaf.
I heard this information secondhand, so I could not determine how the firms got the profiles, esp. if the person only let friends see it. Any info on that?
Moms, where is the grace? There are plenty of parents that work hard at parenting that still have kids go through troubling times or do stupid things. I know some VERY godly women who have or had a teen child get into drugs. Being a good parent does not give your children an immunity to sin.
I have 3 teens and who are very different from one another. We have been prayerful and intentional in our parenting (and, yes, on the strict side). Our kids have always gone to Christian school (except for the oldest who is now in a state university) but I've seen a large variance in acceptable behaviors among the parents. It's a journey, but I'm working on not judging the other parents. I'm also learning not to be shocked by what some of the kids do. As a wonderful mentor once told me, we should never be surprised by sin. There but for the grace of God, go I.
When my kids win amazing compliments or awards, I don't want to take the credit. Nor do I want to take the blame when they mess up. Their dad and I are lovingly trying to do our best to raise them in a culture that is like a tsunami against us and our beliefs. But God is in control. The attributes that scare us when they are teens, and sometimes lead to poor decisions, can also be used by God to do great things when they are adults. Our greatest strengths are often also our greatest weaknesses.
When a parent is struggling with a child, they need encouragement from their peers, not judgment. Parenting is hard enough. Parenting a difficult child must be one of the hardest things to do. A parent of a struggling child needs support.
Thank you!! This was exactly what I needed to read today. My nine year old poked 2 holes in a bus seat with a pencil last week. The bus driver notified me and the assistant principal met with him today. I've been trying to get the transportation people in the district to call me back so I can see about having him sweep out buses or some other activity as punishment. After the note home today saying this was only a warning, I so wanted to blow it off, but really felt like we should take action. I'll be back on the phone to the bus people tomorrow. Thanks for the reminder that parenting is EXHAUSTING, and we can't let it slide just because society does.
How timely for me. We have a son who is 16, very involved in chruch and our family. AB student, plays football, close with his dad and me...seriously - I never thought my child would stray very far. I pray over him daily as well as during the day when I feel prompted by the holy spirit. We found out yesterday he has smoked pot now 9 times. If that is the real number. We pray that is all. I say we had no clue - because he seemed fine, although as I dig deeper I see things that began to happen last fall - and one thing was wanting to be alone a bit more. Overwhelmed...etc. I attributed the check in my spirit to him really being overwhelmed because he was with church friends and people we trust and all of life seemed to remain the same. It was with church friends that he has smoked pot. We've gone to the other parents and surprisingly, one set of parents do not believe us. In fact, they were offended and claim that it must have been our sons idea. Which according to our son, the one with the clueless parents is the one who has been smoking for about a year he thinks. Anyway, all of that to say, I'm praying for God's restoring power to take care of my family right now. We are not one of those families that set theirselves up for this. We are that other percent that truly try to train up their children....and trust that if they stray...He will lead them home. I encourage you all to be involved with your friends friends, and even when things look normal, if you feel a leading of the holy spirit....but then question it because everything looks fine.... ACT THEN...the holy spirit is always right.
We have wonderful prayer partner parents that we went to before we talked to our son and they helped us calm down a bit so we could talk more in love...and not just in anger. They reminded us to use our approaching our son as a teachable moment about God's grace and forgiveness...not just about punishment and shame. But yes...there was still great punishment. There had to be. I think everyone needs to have godly friends that can hold you up and pray with you. Friends that can keep your private matters private..and that love you know matter what...and love your kids too. Tonight, the father of that family took our son to dinner to speak with him. To let him know he is still loved and has support and community that thinks more of him that what he is thinking of himself right now. 3 years ago he was at a special coming of age luncheon we had when our son turned 13. This man pledged to be there for our son as a mentor and godly role model as our son grew into a man. And he has. He is an adult voice that affirms our role as parents and sometimes helps our son see things more clearly (because he's tuned us out). We are thankful...and I hope within the long comment here...that someone will be encouraged and blessed in some way or another.
Shannon, thank you so much for sharing your heartache. A friend of mine has your same story. Committed devoted parents (minister's family), lots of love and attention, and they found out their son was smoking pot about a year ago. They reined him in and today, he is one of the most solid Christian guys you'll ever meet in the youth group. I want to encourage you with that.
Yes, these things happen to good Christian families because surprise, surprise, our kids have the same free will we do. Their "experimentation" with alcohol and drugs are often with their church friends and they are fiercely loyal to keep the secret. That's why I always recommend that parents pray that their kids will get caught in their sin. My kids will attest that it works! Praying for you and your sweet boy...
I have to comment on "Chas-g"'s opinion. I have a unique situation where I'm a youth pastor and my husband is a Police Officer. So, we're dealing with the underage drinking issue more than most youth pastor's, I think.
By blaming law enforcement is yet another excuse as to what's going on. We need to be holding each other accountable as adults by having a close relationship with our children, making sure we have accounts on myspace and facebook and understanding where these "underage parties" are taking place. When you see the photos, at least in my town, there are parents playing beer pong WITH the kids. Law enforcement should be available to help those in need, when a domestic call comes out because a husband has taken it upon himself to hit his wife or children, or there are others in need. They are always responding to the parties, when they are called in, but, unfortunately, they aren't always privied ahead of time to the whereabouts of these parties.
My advice: know where your kids are and what they are doing. Know who they hang out with and what their friends are doing.
We live in a fallen world. You cannot prevent the heartache that comes with that. I view my job as a parent to provide enough experiences for my children to learn how to handle this fallen world with grace, forgiveness, and God coming first.
From the day a child enters this world he or she uses their senses to experience it. I try to guide those experiences. When my children were younger it was a lto easier! I could say "hot" and "yucky" when they put bad things in their mouths:-)
This also means I have to let them fail at times...something that is hard but necessary. As a former high school teacher (a job I loved!) I saw too many children who did not know how to fail and pick themselves back up. That "experience" had not been taught to them. This is one of those subtle things that creates the outbreak of worse behavioral problems. A student fails at something and must make himself "feel" better, or happy as one other blogger put it. So he or she will often turn to an easy fix; skip that class, drop that class, oh the teacher just hates me, and in some cases, drugs, alchohol, sex. And that experience works for them. It is usually a mild response that first time, think I will just try one drink, but continues to grow because it "feels good." Remember that we face off against the author of all lies every day (Satan). And one of those greatest lies, personal opinion, is that we must always "feel good". My job is to guide my child through failures and show them that God uses the hurt to grow us and that there is not a "quick fix".
Thank you, Vicky, for this post. I know I am not alone in the struggles of raising responsible, caring children who will have lives God views as successful. But it is so good to hear other peoples triumphs, trials, and opinions:-)
I appreciate your post Vicki. There is so much research coming out now about how our college aged kids are not growing successfully into adults because our society's parenting style is not allow them to suffer for anything let alone endure the consequences for their sins.
What I see as the wife of a school administrator, is that this parenting style completely takes the joy out of having kids. The kids' happiness becomes the goal of the parents and they spend the rest of their parenting years trying to meet every demand. The kids never learn the virtue of perseverance, how to deal with difficult people or that sometimes things just don't go your way.
I also think that parents (including myself) can get into this way of thinking because of fear. Fear that their screaming toddler will make them look bad. Fear that our kids won't perform on the field as well as others so we drive hours for special practices to get the edge. Fear that any kind of discpline action from the high school will cause their child to lose a future scholarship. Fear that they will not be liked by their own child or their friends.
What we need is to fear that we are outside of God's will when we parent our kids! God graciously sends us challenges/trials/troubles with our children so that we can use those things to train them up. Before we call the school to switch teachers because our child isn't happy, we have to stop and think - is God allowing this to occur to teach my child to have compassion on a grouchy teacher going through a divorce or even that they may have to do a lot of learning of their own?
PS - Just for the record Vicki, the new name I heard for this type of parent is "snowplow parent". They move in front of their children removing every pebble and obstacle.
It sure is an uphill battle these days and I'm finding that oftentimes my fellow Christian parents are the ones who let me down the most.
An example.......my very forgetful adolescent son left behind his soccer cleats and realized this on our way to an out-of-town game. I so wanted to make him sit out and learn his lesson. I did get a hold of another mom who was coming down later to swing by our house and pick up the shoes. But she wasn't going to be there before the game began. A few parents noticed he was barefooted during warm-ups and asked me about it. I told them what my solution was and they started giving me grief about being harsh. One parent offered his son's extra pair and I refused.
Next thing I knew, he went to his car, retrieved his son's extra pair of cleats and walked them over to my son. I was speechless.
I confronted him later and he apologized and said it never dawned on him that he was undermining me and he was only trying to help. I believe him but I realized that you just can't expect other parents to be on the same page as you. In fact, I think it's safer to assume they won't be.
Great topic of discussion, Vickie!
I want to apologize to "sayward". Sometimes I can be really passionate about an issue and it leads to finger pointing. The parents of the teens should be the first line of defense, but sadly many are completely accepting of the destructive behavior. I know because some of them here are my in-laws. We live in a rural area where not much goes on. A car accident once in a while, a house fire, the occasional domestic disturbance... but these teen binge-drinking parties are every weekend! I've heard parents say things like "the cops can't come on my property and tell me how to raise my kids." Kids show up at the prom falling down drunk and nobody does a thing! DWI's aren't reported to the school because suspension from football could cost us a conference title. I just think we should all work together more.
Post a Comment