Teaching our daughters to have zero-tolerance for abuse

I have received quite a few emails from concerned parents who wish to address the Chris Brown/Rihanna scandal with their daughters, so I've chosen to make it our Virtue Alert topic for this week. Just to refresh your memory, Brown, 19, punched Rihanna, 21, repeatedly in the face, choked her and threatened to kill her on February 8th. The abused singer has since shockingly agreed to take him back. But perhaps, most disturbing, were the results from a survey of Boston youths who were asked to weigh in on the question of who is to blame for the abuse. You would certainly think that answer would be a no-brainer with 100% lining up against Chris Brown, but such was not the case. Here is an excerpt from the article:

Hip-hop star Chris Brown’s arrest for allegedly beating singer Rihanna has sparked outrage in the media for weeks, but a survey conducted by the Boston Public Health Commission found almost half of Hub teens think she is to blame for the assault.

Of the 200 Boston youths (ages 12 to 19) surveyed last month, 51 percent said Chris Brown was responsible for the incident, 46 percent said Rihanna was responsible and 52 percent said both were to blame; 52 percent said the media was treating Brown unfairly; 44 percent said fighting was a normal part of a relationship; and a “significant” number said “Rihanna was destroying Chris Brown’s career.” Women blamed Rihanna as much as men did.

“Somehow young people have gotten the message that this is just part of a relationship,” said anti-violence advocate Deborah Collins-Gousby. (To read the article in its entirety, click here.)

I addressed the topic of dating abuse in my first edition of TeenVirtue. Below, is an excerpt that may be helpful when it comes to addressing the topic with your daughters. The original article addressed some other warning signs besides those in the abuse category that signal a "loser alert," but for the purpose of brevity, I've only included the ones pertaining to the topic at hand.

Caution: Loser alert!

Wouldn’t it be great if the guy you liked came with a warning label, pointing out his serious flaws? Just as many people decide not to smoke based on the clear warning label that doing so may cause cancer, girls could decide up front whether or not dating certain guys pose a serious risk to their physical, emotional, or spiritual health. Of course, some girls are so blinded by love (or what they perceive to be love) that they would find a way to justify just about anything from “anger management issues may lead to abuse” to “you will never measure up to his ex-girlfriend.”

Over the years of doing events for young women and women, I have listened to many sad stories from countless high school and college girls, not to mention, adult women about the “loser” they are dating, dated at one point, or in some cases, ended up marrying. In most cases, there were clear-cut warning signs that had they just seen them on the front end before entering the relationship; it may have saved them the heartache they were experiencing in the present. And before you mistakenly assume that Christian guys can’t fall into the loser category, let me assure you that they can.

In every case, the biggest mistake that the girls and women made was in making the assumption that they could somehow change the glaring faults of the guy in question. Of course, in the end, they discovered the hard way that only God can change a willing heart. So what are the warning signs of a loser in the making? I will list the most serious character flaws below. Some will be obvious from the outset, while others may not become apparent until the relationship has progressed. They are serious enough that should you notice them in a guy you are considering dating; put the brakes on and put it in reverse. Don’t even think about moving forward. If you are dating a guy and he exhibits any of the character flaws below as the relationship progresses, terminate the relationship at once. Believe me when I say that these character flaws will likely produce devastating fallout in the years to come should you continue in the relationship.

1. A desire to control or manipulate.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. (2 Tim 3:6-7 NIV)

Flee fast from the guy who seeks to control you through manipulation and mind games. Do not consider it flattery to be the center of someone’s life. The center of our lives should always be Christ. I dated a guy in college who was overly jealousy of any guy who would talk to me. At first, I thought it was endearing and cute, but after a few months, it got out of hand. He became suspicious of my every move and made ridiculous accusations, always assuming I was steps shy of betraying him.

When will girls realize that jealousy and control are not flattering? The irony is that some girls assume that if a guy is infatuated with them, it is a good sign and proves they have some powerful force over a guy that leaves him crazy with obsession. In truth, this guy is not infatuated with the girl—he is infatuated with the idea of controlling the girl. A guy will only seek to control someone he perceives to be a willing party. Girls who come out of this type of relationship suffer from a loss of worth and esteem. Jealousy, control, obsession, and manipulation are common forms of emotional abuse.

2. A tendency to become easily angered or violent.
A hot-tempered person starts fights and gets into all kinds of sin. (Prov 29:22 NLT)

When I finally ended the relationship with the guy I dated during my college years who was controlling and manipulative, he reacted by putting his fist through the door in my apartment. I was fortunate that he didn’t hurt me, and in hindsight, losing my deposit was a small price to pay when you consider the results other girls have incurred in abusive relationships. My instincts proved right when in the months to follow, he stalked me and would occasionally call and make threats to hurt any guy he saw me with in the future. It got so bad, that my parents ended up moving me out of my apartment before the lease was up and into a condo complex with a gated entry and high level of security.

I was fortunate that he finally grabbed a clue and left me alone, but it took me months to recover from the emotional damage. Some girls are not so lucky. One girl made the headlines in Austin, Texas when she was murdered by her ex-boyfriend after he became enraged when she broke up with him. They started off as the “cute couple” at their high school. She was a cheerleader and he was a football player and they seemed the perfect match to many. But it didn’t take long for his true nature to emerge. The warning signs were all there. Her friends and family repeatedly warned her about his attempts to control her and his jealous tendencies. They told her that they worried it might eventually escalate to physical abuse. Unfortunately, it escalated to death. Why did she ignore the obvious warning signs and the repeated warnings from her friends and family? We may never know, but my guess is, she somehow, justified his behavior because she rationalized that his obsession with her was a sign of his love. Love does not seek to control. Love does not harm. Love does not result in murder.

In summary, do not take any chances with a guy who has shown warning signs of being abusive, even if he is a Christian and acknowledges the problem. With a willing heart that is broken and repentant, change is possible, but it will take time and effort. DO NOT stick around for the healing process. In many cases, the best alternative is to cut all ties and run fast and far from this type of guy. And should you have the slightest attraction to such a guy, examine your heart carefully and ask God to help you address the insecurities that are at the root of the attraction. If you don't take this step, you could find yourself experiencing a world of hurt on down the road, literally.

While I don't always line up with Oprah's opinions on certain topics, I think she hit the nail on the head with a statement she made on a show that aired shortly after the Chris Brown/Rihanna scandal that addressed the topic of abuse in relationships.

"If you go back to a man who hit you, you don't think you're worthy of being with a man who won't."